This afternoon I watched “Saving Private Ryan”. The whole movie is about sparing a mother who had lost 3 sons in Second World War battles from losing her fourth son, Private Ryan. A squad was sent into a battle zone to find Private Ryan and to send him home.
The Squad that was sent after Ryan lost two men trying to get to Ryan. One of them was horribly wounded and as he was dying cried out “Momma,Momma, Momma, Momma.
Lately I have seen or read several things about the bond between a mother and her child. I have a powerful bond with my daughters. However I have come to believe that the bond created in a mother and a child from bearing and birthing a baby is a bond a dad can never have.
Growing up I did not think about what I wanted to have as a career. That is because I was programmed to be a pastor. The only thing I ever wanted for myself was to be a dad. I have said to my girls many times over the years “Honey, you have never taken a breath when I did not love you with all my heart and you have never breathed a breath when you were not the most important thing in my life”. Being a Dad is everything to me but it is not a mother’s bond.
Watching that movie made me feel like a freak. My mind reached out to emptiness . I just could not feel what it must feel like to have the natural bond with my mother. I remember being very important to my mom but I was important because I was the bearer of my mother’s honor. When I said something really smart I got joyful attention from her because I was proof she was worthwhile. So I always tried to say smart things. To this day I am bad at making small talk.
I am not going to try to say more or give further examples because I think if you understand I don’t need any more said. If you don’t understand then you had the other kind of mother.
I am terribly afraid to ask a beautiful woman out on a date. No woman has ever broken up with me because I tended to run off at the first sign of trouble. My wife divorced me and that was a horrible trauma to me. When I am where I am at this moment, I feel like there is something fundamental missing in me, that there is something wrong with me.
I know I will feel better tomorrow because my life is filled with wonderful, tenderhearted women beginning with my wonderful daughters. Still I don’t think I will ever shake this deep down loneliness that I most often do not feel. But I wanted to reach out to the world today.