On Not Processing Anger

I had a suicidal depression in 1986. I was in therapy and on medications although the medications back then were not as effective as the newer meds. Meds  these days, are much more effective.

As a part of my therapy I began to open my mind to the memories I had locked up during my younger days. I talked to everyone I could think of who had  witnessed my younger life. I had imagined that I must have really angry about all the painful things I had endured.

They said I was not angry at all except for the fact I exploded over some trifle every once in awhile. The response to my explosions from friend and family was that I was a very good boy and if I could contain my explosions I would be so wonderful.

Looking back, those explosions were probably the healthiest things I did. I imagined a large volcano that erupted occasionally. when it exploded I would get a big Cork and a big hammer that I use it to block up sot the volcano would not explode again.

Predictably the volcano would build up pressure until it let out another even larger explosion. I would get a bigger cork and an even bigger hammer a plug the hole again. That routine continue over and over again making things ever more harmful to me.

As my therapy went on I began to understand an important principle. that goes like this. Now I  see that I do not get to ever not deal with my anger. I could choose to handle my anger in a healthy way or I get endure the inevitable way my anger chose to express itself. In all my decades of living I never have liked the time, place and way my anger expressed itself and then deal with that mess.


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