Creativity and self doubt….. I have always seen my self doubt as the enemy of my writing; something to be defeated. Thanks to a conversation with my daughter Jill, I now see My sense of self doubt as inevitable. When I write, self doubt is there and it always will be there. However, it not just there as something to be overcome , but also necessary and even desirable and helpful in terms of me writing in the way that is truest to my own desire and nature . Self doubt keeps me from seeing what I write as some kind expression of an infinite reality. I used to do lots of preaching. Preaching made me feel as if I had to have answers for people. I knew that wasn’t true, but I was often tempted to feel like I was God’s voice. I desperately want to avoid that duplicity as I write. I just want to share things as they seem to me at this moment. If what I write helps someone, that’s wonderful, but my purpose is to express my own heart and hopefully have some exchange with those who read me. I want to say to you what I have said to so many people in my program when I have been asked a question. “Here is how things seem to me, but if it doesn’t work for you, no problem. Remember, one of the nicest things about being an American is that you are never more than 15 ft from a trash can.” Self doubt also provokes deeper soul searching that contributes to the openness, genuineness and humanness of my writing. Self doubt contributes to the connectivity of my writing with with my readers. I like to listen to opera. I am mostly unfamiliar with the world of opera but I enjoy it. In fact I am listening to Turandot at this moment. However, some opera is so out of the world in which I live that it is essentially unavailable to me; at least for now. Self doubt helps me write in a way that is more available to more people. So welcome friend self doubt. Thanks for your help.
April 16, 2017
George Caywood 