Big Fear

One of most damning things that I am still dealing with from my boyhood is my belief that if I tried hard enough I could win my mom’s affection. I endlessly tried to please her. My efforts to please her created a problem for her. She needed to be angry with me. When I was well behaved she had to work harder to find an excuse to blast me.

My real role for me in my mothers eyes was the target for her rage processing procedure. When she vented her rage on me her internal rage was calmed down enough that she could present herself as a lovely and helpful person.

Her ability to help people was no myth. She made herself available by phone even in the middle of the night and many people in the San Diego region were helped by her. I know that to be true.

My problem is it is often hard for me to believe that an attractive woman in my age group could find me attractive. I think that I deeply hurt a wonderful woman because I fel


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