My False Hope

Today I went to a Mexican beach side restaurant. I used to go to a 12 Step meeting That met at 10:00 AM on Mondays in a nearby city. My route home that took me by the city where the restaurant is located. I got in the habit of stopping at this restaurant to have a Bean and Cheese Burrito for lunch. I performed this dietary ritual for somewhere between twenty and twenty five years. I have never gotten tired of my Bean And Cheese Burritos.

Since we all are so meshed in the pain of this of this pandemic so I can’t go to my meeting. I drive over to the restaurant each Monday. It is a thirty minute drive. Have at it you amateur therapist’s.

To me it feels like home cooking. Some of the servers recognize me and welcome me. There is a particular woman that is so nice to me and she is a really good wonderful friend. By the way she is at least 30 years younger than me. The whole place feels like home to me.

One of the window servers was rude to me, I was devastated. I felt so rejected. In a few hours I realized I had allowed myself to be thrown back into the cruel and abusive years of my boyhood.

Then I realized I still had all the love of you folks that read what I write, I still had all the love and respect my lovely daughters so sweetly give me.

There is a verse in the Bible that says ” You are the apple of His/Her eye”.I. still had God’s unfailing love when He/She looked at me.

Then I remembered some else. In Bible language the green part of my eye is the apple of my eye. It is the blue or brown part of your eye that is the apple of your eye.

What that means is when someone abuses me they are brutally sticking their finger in God’s eye. God never fails to respond when I am abused. You never get away with abusing me and I never get away with abusing you. God is a just God .

It is true God behaves justly but God is Love. God is never not God. God is never not Love. I can’t explain how that works, Come on Barb. Help me out!.


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