For a few decades now I have worked very hard in recovery on my anger problem. I feel very positive about the progress I have made through my 25 years in Al-Anon. I have also been helped through prayer and medication.
Some of you will tell me that God healed you of your anger. I am so glad for you. For whatever reason that is not my story. It is true God can do anything. It is equally true God can not do what I want Her/Him to do. God’s view of what I need can be very different from my view. I trust Her/Him to do what is best for me.
My mother was a cruel rager. In an effort not to respond to my mom angrily and as a matter of self preservation I powerfully suppressed my anger. I did not realize then that I would be stuck with that same deep anger all my life.
I also know that if I keep on repressing my anger I run the risk of becoming depressed. In 1968 I had a huge suicidal depression. My family suffered through that year with me.
My program teaches me that there are things I can control. I am instructed to use the formidable weapons of my program. The weapons include fellowship with other determined program members. That meant that for sake of my own mental health I had to cut myself off from my life of judging religious groups and seek out healthier companionship.
After I broke off with my groups that were so critical I discovered that the drug of choice in those groups with whom I had been associated is feeling better than other people. In my case back then I could speak judgement to others so cleverly that I could make the person feel guilty and then thank me for it. I masked my insecurity by creating a false view of myself as a superficial invincibility.
I think that my mom might have had the highest IQ of anyone I had ever met. I have a long and beautiful story about how I came to understand that from my mom’s viewpoint as a fully love centered member of the heaven she felt that anything I could do help other parents not make the same horrible mistakes she had made she was all for it. Specifically she hoped I could learn from her mistakes so I could be a loving father to the daughters I was raising.
2 Corinthians 10:4 “The weapons of our warfare are not Carnal. They are powerful to the tearing down the strong holds of evil”. I now realize that when I feel I am lovingly forgiven by God it is much more likely that I am willing to forgive you.
Thanks to the army of loving people with whom I am now associated I have learned to manage my anger fairly well. When I have lost my temper I have felt so badly to the dismay of my heavenly mom. I had turned myself into my mom at her worst. She was worried that I would feel a misery with which she was all to familiar.
I use the term weapon or weapons in this post because of a Bible verse. Paul tells me that my weapons are not weak like my judging weapons. They are especially powerful against the bulwarks of evil. God’s weapons are based on the reality that “God Is Love”.
George Caywood 