Sometimes I Feel

Because of Covid 19 I am spending more time watching TV than is good for me but I really don’t have much choice. The number of really competent movies being streamed is limited. I have watched good movies like “Good Will Hunting” or “Shipping News” over again but watching them another time again so soon does not appeal to me.

Today I watched a good detective story and enjoyed it. As I watched the video my mind went to the spiritual “Sometimes I feel like a motherless child”. That happens oftentimes when a see a program where a mother role in which the mother is a really good mom.

If you have read very much of the things I have written it is likely you know I had a hostile and narcissistic mom. That is why I sometimes love to sing that spiritual to myself or find a rendition of it on YouTube Music.

Today I saw that song in a different light. It does not say “All the time I feel like a motherless child”. It just says” Sometimes” which suggests to me that sometimes the singer feels well cared for. I realized that when I think of my lovely sisters I do not feel so lonely. I also have very incredible daughters. When I think of them I enjoy the feeling of total acceptance, of a very pronounced admiration coming from them. That is really,really true right now because a few days ago was Fathers Day.

I also give and receive love from my my granddaughters In fact I have four sisters, four daughters and four granddaughters. Some people have said “That is wonderful but you will never know what it feels like to have a son. That remark could not be less true. I have wonderful sons that are legally referred to as Son-In-laws but are in fact sons to me.

Now I want to go back to writing about The old Spiritual ” Sometimes times I feel like a motherless child”. I have noticed for the first time the word “Sometimes”. It does not say I always feel motherless. It just says there are times I feel motherless but there are other times I feel fine. I need to recognize that feeling motherless is part of me and my history. However, the song also says “Sometimes I’m down Oh yes Lord. Sometimes I am almost on the ground”. I am “Sometimes down”.

However, while the sense of being me includes motherless feelings I need to learn to discipline that feeling. I can’t allow that feeling to continually be current events. That feeling has to only be a part of my past and not a part of this day. If that feeling invades this moment I have to consciously keep that feeling In it’s correct place in my history.

I must consistently realize that my life is full of people that love and respect me. The fact you are reading this means you respect and love me. You my readers are so important to the serenity I very often experience


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