I have learned as my years have passed by that my emotions are trustworthy. That means if I respond in anger with 100 pounds of anger to a 10 pound trigger I have a great opportunity for healing that I may be ignoring or I have not understood.
The truth is my seemingly severe reaction to a minor provocation was actually an perfectly appropriate reaction to a 100 pound wound that in my past I had buried because of the fear of my mothers rage. The the stimulating 10 pound grievance did not warrant my 100 pound response. However the 10 pound provocation simply opened the secret door so I could begin to deal with a decades old agonizing pain.
It has been my experience that I had a need not to not make waves when I was growing up. I was always in fear of my mom. I habitually buried my my pain because I had to keep things in an orderly way to keep from being even more severely attacked by her.
It might seem that a major over response in anger does not show I can trust my emotions. If a minor provocation provokes major response that can seem to me that my emotions are not reasonable. In fact they are reasonable. I absolutely believe I can trust the level of my emotions to make sense. Let me explain another time.
I suspect her anger at me was rage against males stemming from the sexual shame visited on her by her dad my grandfather. I know my grandfather dated my mothers best friends to her great embarrassment.
What that meant to me as an adult was I tended to get extremely angry when I was hit with a new wound. For example, a 10 pound provocation sometimes caused a 100 pound reaction in me. As an result I thought I was a severe overreacter.
I eventually realized I had mountains of anger in me because of a wonderful therapist named Georgie Rodiger. One time Georgie and I were having lunch together at a restaurant . After eating we were relaxing with coffee. She said “George you are going to have to deal with all your anger.
I responded “Georgie, I really work at being caring and kind. I am not an angry person. She said ‘George maybe you work so hard being kind because your deep anger frightens you. On the inside you have a murderous rage.
In an instant I got what I call a God shot. I knew she was right. As God gave me that understanding She/He also gave me a deep peace and sense that I could deal with all that anger but I needed divine help that would come to me through people He/She would send my way.
I have been dealing with this anger for decades now. I have come to a place where I ordinarily enjoy wonderful serenity. I am so grateful that I began my journey toward peace in time for me to offer myself as a loving caring father to my daughters.
My seeming over reaction is the Holy Spirit trying to get me to let God to go deeply into what I have repressed. Somewhere in my past there is a 100 pound wound. God wants heal that neglected pain as soon as I agree to it.
If I respond to a 10 pound aggravation with a 100 pound reaction I know something very important. My seeming overreaction is letting me know that somewhere in my memory of past hurts there is a buried 100 pound wound that I have not dealt with.
In that light, my over response can be seen as a trail head leading something God wants to heal. If I am willing to walk with God down that path that might seem very scary. that means I have to trust that God will walk me down that path all the while comforting me. At the end of that trail God will rid me of pain that hampers my serenity. It is a journey that well worth the effort.
Pain I have not dealt with is not handled by neglect. Buried pain is like a planted seed. My heart is fertile ground. It is fertile so that the beauty of our salvation in Christ can grow my blessings every day that passes year. First through my eighty first year. And then I will keep on growing as I come to my 82nd year in just a few weeks from now.
George Caywood 