My dad committed suicide with my gun when I was fifteen. That was a vicious, cruel thing for him to do. At that point in my life I was way to young to understand his death was not my fault because it was my weapon that he used. Years ago a professor at UCLA wrote a book that was called “Suicide: The ultimate Hostility” as I recall.
I have forgiven my dad with God’s direct help. By that I mean I told God when the Bible says of Jesus that on the cross he was “The Lamb of God that takes away the sins of the world”, that includes my dad’s death.
However, I had a horrible misunderstanding. I felt that if I had truly forgiven my father for his suicide that I would not feel any resentment that he had died that way. That meant that since I did not give myself the right to grieve appropriately I buried and deeply hid my grief.
That attitude on my part meant I lost part of who I was. I did grieve but it was hidden from my conscious mind. I grieved silently but deeply. I lived in a world where I lost myself because when I hid my grief some of me followed my grief into hiding.
It took me decades to deal with my inner wounds. I finally used an example to help myself understand the work that was necessary for me.
The healing example I used was if I want to buy things with my money I have to reach into my pocket and get my wallet. Then I have to unfold my wallet and take out the money. I have to handle the paper bills and consider if I want to use the money for the purchase. How much good would the item I bought bring me?.” Then I needed make my decision to spend my money.
That money example guided me in dealing with my painful wounds buried inside of me. I needed to open my heart so God could heal me. How was I going to do that? I knew that what God reveals God heals.
My hundred pound angry response to a five pound event became my trailhead. Then I asked God to start at my trailhead and follow my emotional down my trail until She/He found my hundred pound wound. And then me and God needed start there and work our way out doing healing back up the trail to that day and then heal me.
My assumption became that my emotions were always reasonable. That meant if I responded to a five pound event with a hundred pounds of anger I had work to do.
Living my life in that pattern allowed me to find real serenity that filled my entire life day by day, week by week and month by month.
I never thought that skidrow folks needed to do something so God would love. I knew that the difference between the difference between the men we helped the mos and those who we fundamentally could not help was the ones who benefited most were sure that God loved them.
Most people who visit missions believe God is love. Some people on the row also know God loves them personally. I did my best to tell every person who would listen that God loved them but it often my love message sailed right past their ear.
However some times it connected with them When it happened it was wonderful. One man came home from Church Of The Open Door in Los Angeles. COD was just a few blocks from the mission. He said ” The pastor preached an amazing sermon. He made me see that God is not just love but God loves me Bobby”. I was so happy for him. There was no need for me to remind me I had been telling him that for months.
Did that mean everything got better for Bobby? No it did not. He still got drunk and ruined his health. I still thought he was a wonderful man. I remembered the hell he endured as a boy. He was tied to his bed every night hand and foot to keep him from masturbating. I personally knew all about sexual abuse when I was a boy.
No he did not get comfortable in his skin. What Did happen was all of a sudden anything was possible for him. He could get an education if he wanted it. The mission would provide him food and shelter. A hard truth is I can not do it by myself. God won’t do it by Her/Himself. But together with God I can give me a wonderful life.
My wonderful thing is I can maintain a positive life. That means I get to tell you everyday in whatever way comes available to me I get to tell you are are freely loved by God. God loves you the same on your worst day as She/He does on your best day. You are powerless over God’s love. You can not increase it or diminish. You can not move it up or down or to the left or to the right. ; I love telling people God loves them. My website has over 700 blogs all saying the same thing “GOD IS LOVE”.