Last night I had a terrible dream. I dream’t I spit in my mothers face. I think my dream let me know I am still carrying shame from and bitterness at her and by inference some thinking about women. It is thinking I was not aware of if it is there but on the chance I still have it I am going to deal with it.
One time one of my daughters, a ten year old maybe asked me if I was prejudiced against women. I told her I did not think any male raised in this culture could swear he had no misogyny but am not aware of any. However, if I ever saw some I would deal with it immediately. As I promised her I am going to deal with it immediately.
As to what my mom was doing in my dream she was attacking my manhood. Back then she habitually did that. It was a two prong attack because she did the same thing to my father. I had a hard time fighting against her attacks against me. When she attacked my dad I Thought his inability to defend himself proved I was weak also.My dad’s strategy was silence. He just let her talk on. My strategy was different.
In college I worked nights as a janitor. I got home very late. There was a time during the school year I never once got to bed before midnight and not all that many I got to bed before 1:00 AM. Almost every night my mom was waiting on me full of anxiety. She would come into my room after I had gone to bed and unload on me. One night I cracked and panicked. She said “Oh don’t worry God will take care of us”.
After that I feigned panic. I could not “Panic” to soon because it would not work. At least I got to sleep but I found my inability to deal with her in a straight forward way deeply humiliating.
Today as I write this I am recalling one of my most healing techniques. I use my personal slogan “What God reveals God heals”. I will take this whole matter before God knowing I will be healed. Don’t ask me how it all works because I don’t know. I just believe that God wants me healed far more than I want to be healed. If in the future if I discover more resentments like did last night I will probably write it up and post it so you can read it. That is because asking you to read about my sorrows and the acceptance you offer is part of my recovery Thank You. Love, George