Uneasy Growth

I have often written about the trauma I suffered about ten days after I was born. I had a very serious bout with Whooping Cough. An adult had to be with me 24 hours a day for about 2 weeks. The medical wisdom of the times was if they picked me up it would make it harder for me to breathe. My Aunt Nellie told me that the person watching me felt that each gasping breath might be my last.

I have been told that my family  thought that I was a fighter because of the way I fought for each breathe. As time wore on I was getting more and more exhausted but I kept struggling full of determination to keep living.

And I did make it. After awhile I began to breathe a little  easier. That kept up until I was completely well. Today my lungs are healthy so the disease did no lasting damage which was a fear our long time and trusted Dr Cline had. I think the Cline clinic in Tucson still is there

Looking back on the experience I think God was saying to me “You need to learn to fight and struggle while all the time knowing that you that If I keep on fighting I would get to a much better place. I think my friend Butch knew when we were together at Union Rescue Mission that underneath my gentle mannered way there was a rock hard person. If fact in the army and in every job I ever had there was always someone who felt I was a pushover so he would  push and push  until I had to reveal my fighter side.

In the last few months I been been through experiences that have pushed me to my limit. For example I took care of my oldest sister for a few weeks. She was lost in her dementia. It was especially hard for me because through all the difficulties of my youth I could call Evelyn and she would somehow find a way to bring me loving relief . Maybe I thought of her as my mother figure. I was so exhausted when I got home.

Since then I have struggled to leave my apartment each day. I have a nice, enjoyable apartment but I know isolating is not good for me. I am not depressed or even particularly sad beyond my natural grief for Evelyn. I have sought counseling. Gradually I have come to a conclusion.

I think that God wants me to understand that my internal fighter is gone. He has healed me of it and further more I no longer need it. That is wonderful but it has left me feeling a little bewildered. Having God heal me in that way means I have to learn a new and relaxed way of living. I do not know exactly what to do with myself.

The Holy Spirit according to Jesus does not teach us truth the Holy Spirit leads us into truth. I have been in recovery long enough to know that I do not have to fight to readjust. I just have to be teachable and not being stubborn by trying to reignite the fighter. I just need to surrender the events of each day and keep on doing the next presenting  thing. That attitude is sure to do the job for me.


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