String of Pearls 41: Dynamics of a Really Bad Argument.

-In my life I have often gotten caught up in an argument that had a crescendo quality to it. The crescendo effect caused the arguments to advance from a relatively calm and peaceful discussion to a loud and destructive verbal war. This is how I now see the dynamics of a really bad argument.

-Tom begins a discussion which may seem to him as a calm beginning  of a healthy discussion.

-Jane receives Tom’s remarks as an attack. Therefore Jane responds with a defense of herself  delivered with an elevated level of emotion

-Tom answers  much more loudly because he is even  more  threatened.

-In turn Jane feels attacked in an ever more deeply painful manner.  She responds in a manner that is even more aggressive. She may  see her increased fervor as appropriate but in fact she is amping up the argument badly.

-Tom feels the response of one as a very emotional and more painful attack. Therefore he defends himself with much more force and emotion.

-Back and both people respond to each other ever more aggressively. Back and forth it goes rapidly increasing in force and volume. Inevitably, this process ultimately finally explodes.

Even if the argument ends it does not go away. It just goes under ground. A capped volcano never stays capped. It eventually erupts making a bad situation even worse.

-When I was first divorced I told everyone who would listen how wronged I was. I am sure my ex did the same thing. Finally my program sponsor asked me if I ever wanted to have a comfortable and rewarding relationship with a woman. I assured her that I did.

-She then asked me if I thought it was about time I switched my point of view to trying to see things in terms of cleaning up my side of the street. Her next remark was what to me was the clincher. She said “Having your ex get better would never contribute to having the next relationship be a good one”.

-It was not long after that that I began to see that my ex had many valid resentments. I better understood her point of view.

-I do not know if I want to start to pursue a new relationship. I do think that if I can’t be happy single getting involved again is not a good idea. Romantically connecting will not make me happy if I am not happy on my own.


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