I have what some people call a committee in my head. That committee is dedicated to making me feel miserable and unworthy. Those trouble makers have been with me for as long as I can remember.
I have frequently commented “If you said the mean things about me that I say about myself I would cut you right out of my life and I would be fully justified in doing so.” I don’t need enemies. I fully provide that function for myself”.
I have a terrible habit of attentively listening and accepting as fact all my fierce inner voices. I have reinforced that habit by faithfully accepting my inner harshness as my reality.
Since I have been trying to recover from my unhealthy thought patterns I have learned a few things that help me. I am working on recognizing and resisting the voice of my committee. Maybe someday I will permanently adjourn their meeting.
The first helpful idea is to realize the difference between the voice of my emotional disease and the voice of my program. My untreated Al-Anon voice always gives me a sense of being pushed against my own desires. That voice exhausts me. It weighs me down and paralyzes me. I find myself not doing the things I love to do. It drives me toward isolation.
My healthy voice is just the opposite. It never pushes me. Instead leads me. It always is a compassionate voice of suggestion. It never pushes me. It is never harsh and always is tender and edifying.
I love to write. Writing is a basic part of my personality. When I write a very bad day becomes satisfying and a good day gets better. The fact that I am writing at this moment is evidence I am following the encouragement my program and not the harshness of my disease.
Another idea that reveals that my negative voice is speaking is that my positive voice is always in the realm of space and time. For example, my peaceful voice might say to me ” Yesterday, at two o’clock when you were on the phone with Jennifer you told a lie. You need to make amends to her”. That voice tends to lead me to do things that contribute to my serenity and is never an attack on who I am.
The voice of my disease always attacks who I am. It says “You lied so you are a liar. You are always telling lies.Lying is a deep part your personality.
I don’t think I can defeat my negative voice by myself. Maybe it is by the design of my Higher Power so that I have the joy of deep fellowship instead of the fear and loneliness of isolation.
If I want to be serene I must be committed to opening up trustworthy people I must be in healthy relationships.I can not live by hiding from other people emotionally. I have to be open and transparent. I don’t have to be open to everyone but I must be open to someone.
I have a friend that I have never met. She lives across the country. On Facebook she suggested that when I am distressed I sit down and take deep slow breaths. When I begin to feel more comforted I should recognise that comforting voice is her’s. Her loving voice is coming to me through the spiritual universe. I think that is beautiful.
You readers are loving voices coming to me through Facebook You help me resist the horror of my committee. Also, I see who I really am in the loving, tender eyes of my family and friends.
When it comes to people who love me and support me I am a fabulously wealthy man.
George Caywood 